alive

I was working for 5 weeks and then I had/have 2 weeks of prebooked holiday off. I am not sure if I want to go back. Holidays are too good and I miss all my lovely Norwegians, friends and family.

I am excited about  the new year and can’t wait to see what it brings. I hope that by this time next year at least a few of my goals have been reached. The two “goals” I feel most strongly about are me and my Person finding our own place to live and that I find THE job, the job I feel I could stay in, at least for a little while.

I hope to manage to stay strong and healthy, continue my chiropractic care and start exercising regularly again. (I just need the effin paycheck first…) I hope to continue maintaining strong bonds with my loved ones, no matter how near or far, and welcome new citizens of the world into a safe place they know they are loved and feel it every day. I hope to grow better and bigger with my Person and show him the same gratitude and appreciation he shows me, and that we keep sharing love and admiration for eachother in everything we do.

And I want a kitten….

Midweek

Sometimes I feel like I should be sad. I crave the feeling of crying, I mean really crying. Trembling with silent sobs, face streaked from tears. It is one of the best worst feelings ever.

“Submerge” by Andrew Gallo

Tomorrow!

Last efforts with two computers, a large printer, heaps of paper and patience with frayed ends…..

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The hand-in of my Major Thesis Project for the MA in interior design. Tomorrow at 2PM. I. Can’t. WAIT! I have been “done” since Thursday, but as you all probably know, you are never truly done with a project like this. I could have worked on it for another year, and probably still feel like this the day before hand-in; “Is it good enough? Am I going to fail? Should I have done more?” You know….

I think it is because the project is so clear in my mind. Even though 9 months has passed by since I first started thinking about ideas for it, I still remember the first idea. From that moment frustration, hard work and looking for the light in the end of the tunnel. It has been a struggle, which has been quite enjoyable now that I look back. I know that I can do it now. All that remains is to see whether the examinors think it’s “good enough”. All I want is a pass. I never want to look at this project again, haha!

I thought I would share the final, very personal chapter in the design report we have to hand in with the project. Maybe someone that finds themselves in the same situation sometime can find some inspiration or familiar feeling.

Blood, sweat and tears. Literally. Failures and victories, big and small.

Endless hours in front of the computer, in the library, at the studio, hand drawing, queuing for prints, waiting for my time to speak at crits, drawing sketches, Photoshopping, doing flow charts and floor plans…. And now it is all handed in.

12 months has gone by, and before that countless months preparing myself for this year now past. I am supposed to be finished with my studies. But I will never be finished learning.

Doing this project has taught me so much about myself and how I should, want and need to work. It has felt hopeless, useless, endless and worthless. But also inspirational, enjoyable, rewarding and valuable. Memorable. Something to be proud of.

I have learnt that I get easily confused, that I need a set plan to work efficiently. Set deadlines and allocate revision time to ensure high quality work.

I have learnt that I need to trust myself and always aim to be the best I can be, in my way. Trust my instincts and what I feel is right to do, and it will in most cases turn out good.

I have learnt that I can win over myself, even when it felt like I couldn’t. My greatest weakness became an asset when I realised it felt empowering beating the part of me that just wants to lay down and disappear into the ground when things get tough and stressful.

But the most important things I learnt; To be humble. To not take criticism personal, but take it in and carry it with me. If I don’t like something, change it. Trust myself and believe I can do it.

Because I can. And I did.

Motionless

If you turn the light out, even for just a split second, can you guarantee that everything is the same?

Stretch. Clean. Make sure everything is normal. Check. Lay. Run. Run. Run!

Heartbeats. The chest is stretching. The unknown fear, but not fear of the unknown. It is a part of you, but a repulsive part, the part that needs to be hidden away. The part nobody sees and nobody understands. Because it is not you.

Gasping for air. Calm down. It is nothing.

Everything quiet, muffled by darkness. Even the light feels more dark.

Head spinning. Thought tornado. Hopes. Dreams. Wishes. Fears. Death. Threats. Explosion.

Shame. For being out of control. For letting it overtake the barrier. Don’t let them know. Maybe mention it. They will think you are bluffing, because you are not sick.

No. You are not. But the other part of you is.

And it is invisible.